1. What I would give to be a ten year-old right now.

    What I would give to be a ten year-old right now.

     
  2. I need an app that will find the ratio of # likes to # of total friends on your Facebook profile’s posts, then averages the ratios into one final number calculating exactly how much people really like you. you could even arrange the data for different periods of time to see if people enjoy you more around your birthday or were less partial to be friendly when you moved in with your girlfriend.

    *kicks feet back on mahogany desk, puffs cigar*
    yeah…….. that’s the ticket

     
  3. I am new Facebook friends with a guy I met at a party. We exchanged numbers so I could teach him how to unicycle this week.

    I do not think our friendship will last that long.

    “Success tool”

    EDIT:

    Want to grab him and shake him and yell “PLEASE STOP EXPLODING SO MUCH”

     
  4. This guy just showed up in my ticker as a new friend of a friend. I wish I had an intro beat for myself…
(But he is seriously from Iceland, the girl who friended him is there now.)

    This guy just showed up in my ticker as a new friend of a friend. I wish I had an intro beat for myself…

    (But he is seriously from Iceland, the girl who friended him is there now.)

     
  5. The Night I Die

    INT - FUTURE HOSPICE - MIDNIGHT
    Brian scrolls faster and faster, flipping his fingers down the holo-screen, the years falling away like gross old leaves. 2008, 2007, 2006…
    He finally arrives at the “Born” page on Facebook, ignoring the 16 year gap missing from his life. What should greet him but a PICTURE OF A CAT ON A KEYBOARD IN SPACE that he uploaded as such a naive young lad, never expecting Intergalactic Music Felinism to become the world’s predominant religion.
    Everything begins fading to WHITE, the cat becomes hard to see within the ivory Facebook Timeline accents. The last notes of the ever-rocking “Breathe You” ring out.
    Only to be followed by the first peals of “Raining Blood.”
    FADE OUT
    THE END

     
  6. This journalist is just trying to capitalize on fear. In a way, it’s cute, cause he’s modeling himself after the big boys on the 24-hour news cycle.

    Though your individual privacy settings have not changed on individual posts, statuses and photo uploads, almost every other documented addition to content is to resurface for every user who has a Facebook profile.

    Oh, so nothing has actually changed in terms of my privacy? Glad to hear that. No need for you to continue because that concludes i—

    … The site has allowed us to update our lives with statuses and photos, video and other content each and every minute of the day.

    Why, again, nothing has changed. Facebook allowed us to do that, and we chose to do it. We made a choice, because we are people with free will—

    … Facebook has literally time-lined each and every status, photo, shared content, “likes” and every other interaction … in chronological and clickable format. That status posted via my BlackBerry in anger, or a comment I had long forgotten about which had caused a fight amongst my friendship group.

    So the stuff you already hid stays hidden… And the stuff you didn’t hide is as visible as it has been.

    In effect, Facebook has made ’stalking’ just that bit easier.

    Actually since I’m friends with so many stalkers I just made a stalker list and hide them behind- maybe you shouldn’t befriend people who make you uncomfortable about shit you write on Facebook!!

    Facebook has changed the rules on what the site truly represents. It would be like a private dating website becoming a public web directory of lonely people, and marketing itself as such.

    If you take one look at that analogy, it crumbles apart like all so many other analogies ever written by Zach Whitaker, the author of this piece.

    I, however, accessed the Timeline as soon as it was available to developers to see what all the fuss was about.

    Only us developers know how to google “How to enable Facebook Timeline”, and the common layperson will not have the clicking skills necessary to complete the three minute process! May as well lay down and die now, because life is too difficult

    Just as was with the Twitter old vs. new divide, at least the company gave the option to switch between the two as they ran concurrently.

    If Facebook wants to keep its users without a massive drop in active users, at least they should consider ‘doing a Twitter’ and allowing the two to run concurrently.

    The identical endings to lines makes me feel like I’m reading an especially wordy Rick Ross track. Great way to finish up the essay, Zach Whitaker!

    In conclusion, maybe you shouldn’t do stupid things on Facebook. Maybe you STILL have the option to hide stupid things on Facebook. Maybe it’s so fucking easy to check out Timeline in advance (and go quick if you do! It’ll be activated soon!) But what I do know for sure is that if Zach Whitaker puts quotation marks around one more superfluous word, I’m gonna mail him a bag of bedbugs because—

    okay whatever Zach Whitaker i’ll chill out just please don’t stalk me

     
  7. I think Facebook should enact a massive “Hot or Not” feature, where all of a sudden every single picture is given a 1-10 scale for anonymous voting. Since all pictures uploaded to Facebook become Facebook’s property, (as far as I can tell,) there’s no opting out of any sort. In fact, you should be allowed to make the feature invisible to yourself in case you don’t want to see it… But that’s it. Besides, who would actually make the statistics invisible? Who would give up their Facebook if this change was instituted?

    I used to love Facebook, but now it’s boring.

     
  8. image: Download

    Aw, everyone hates Facebook.

    Aw, everyone hates Facebook.