Why yes, good sir. My apartment is ruled over by a slumlord, and nothing is safe. I’m gonna take the time to write out my list of grievances now (starting with security and then branching out to my other problems) because it’s on my mind and it will probably make me feel better.
- Our two front doors to the building have bathroom locks— no magnets, no buzzer. Oh, and the key to our apartment can also open the second door, but that doesn’t matter because the glass has been bashed in on that one.
- The chain on our door popped off when my roommate accidentally opened it while still attached; notice my use of “opened” and not “whipped violently.” We have jerry-rigged a solution but bitch please that will not save our belongings from thieves.
- Our bathroom has a leak in the ceiling sometimes. Our slumlord says that he’s trying to evict the old lady who lives above us because she’s living in squalor; our neighbors say that he’s trying to force an old lady out of her place. No matter, our walls still weep.
- We killed four mice in two weeks. Since then, our slumlord has not replaced the mouse traps, and the mice are emboldened enough to run around the perimeter of our living room with music blasting and lights on. There’s currently mouse shit on my desk.
- The oven leaked gas for a while there. That’s over now. I mean, they’ve turned off our gas because of a miscommunication between us and the gas company. But we had a good couple weeks with gas and without it leaking. So there’s a bright side.
- The radiator cap blew off one night. That was hilarious/steamy/not hilarious.
- Our neighbors like to have screaming matches in the hallway outside our apartment at 9am. It must be hard to raise a teenager these days. (Because they clearly have no idea how to do it right.) Usually I’m up by then because someone has dragged a bag of bottles and cans down the stairs. Or four of them. That is, if the Salvation Army across the street didn’t receive a 6am donation of chandeliers via semi-truck. That’s typically a weekly thing.
- I wish all the bedbug chemicals did something about the cockroach infestation. You’d think that both would respond to the same neurotoxins but not so much.
- We had a literal plague of flies. One morning, I woke up and there were like 30 stupid fat ugly flies hanging around our kitchen window. They would vanish at night, and three days later they had all disappeared. Someone died upstairs? it is a mystery
- I mentioned bedbugs, right? Because two months after we’ve moved in, they are finally gone. At least, as gone as you can ever assume an infestation is. I’m still living out of trashbags. We vacuumed twice a day for two weeks. Our slumlord tried to hire us an “exterminator” but he was the same guy who came in to fix our oven.
- The heat works sometimes. Our neighbors are convinced that the slumlord tampered with the boiler so that he wouldn’t have to pay as much or deal with the basic rights of tenants, and after hearing the repairman shouting at him through the phone, I have to say that it’s sounding possible.
As always, a disclaimer: people are starving to death everywhere. My life isn’t that bad. But nothing prepared me for this.