It’s one of those scenarios you feel will never happen to you. Nobody thinks they’re going to be the one, whatever, to get in a car wreck to have their, you know, their kids killed in a plane crash, whatever, you don’t think those things are going to happen to you. And I didn’t think that I’d be traded. So.
— Bronson Arroyo on being traded to the Reds
I quit doing drugs. I used to take drugs and I quit. But I’ll tell you something honestly about drugs, and I don’t think this is said enough anymore- I mean, it’s the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Hahahahaha! Sorry. Never murdered anybody, never robbed anybody, never raped anybody, never beat anybody, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife, or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry.
I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law. Never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law. Marijuana grows all over the world, serves a thousand different functions, ALL of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake. You know what I mean? It’s like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation, and he said, ‘There it is, my creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest… Oh my Me! I left fucking pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day, shit. Boy, if I leave pot everywhere, it’s gonna give people the impression they’re supposed to use it. Shit! Now I have to create Republicans.’
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I’m just saying if you’re gonna have a war against drugs, have ‘em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up. And oh, by the way, my simple pleasurable advice would be: shut the fuck up. Ha ha ha ha ha. Just shut up. Your ways are tired, your point of view is meaningless, and you live hollow fucking lives.
— Bill Hicks, “Recorded Live at Funny Bone, Pittsburgh, PA,” Love All The People, 1991.
I don’t smoke pot, and I’m glad because then I can champion it without special pleading. The reason I don’t smoke it is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations—and I’ve got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.
At this time, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the State will present its closing argument in the case against marijuana: It leads to the use of heroin and other dangerous, addictive drugs.
If this syllogism holds true, the bust-out junkie will say to his cellmate: ‘I am a heroin addict. I started smoking marijuana and then naturally I graduated to heroin. By the way, my cellmate, what happened to you? How did you come to murder three guys in a crap game? You’ve got blood on your hands. How did you first get obsessed with this terrible disease of gambling? Where did it all start?’
‘Oh, I started gambling with Bingo in the Catholic Church.’
— Lenny Bruce, How To Talk Dirty and Influence People, 1965.