Okay, so here’s the scenario. I’m standing at Broadway and Washington Place, waiting for the bus. In between bouts of peering through the Gallatin lobby windows to check in on the 70 year-old lady drifting around the reception for the “Sexposed” fashion show, I enjoy watching the other students who walk by or stand and chat as they wait too (I’m not chatting because of my No Friends Syndrome, I’ve got a card in my wallet and a dog tag and everything.)
Since it’s prime bus-waiting time, the crowd is building. NYU would rather spend our freshman year teaching us how to close-read ledgers of dried tuna shipments in the 1700’s than, like, how to not be a dickhole, so most people sorta peel away from the wall and scattershot themselves across the sidewalk. This, of course, is the elitist sort of behavior that we NYU students are known for, and the plebes do their best to snake through the crowds.
Well one girl, let’s call her Mayo (first thing that came to mind, sorry, I’m hungry [for condiments]) finishes her conversation happening five feet in front of me. She says goodbye, presumably farts, (who doesn’t?) and takes a few steps toward my left before FULL STOP. She freezes and gazes toward the heavens. She’s obviously thinking about something important like that fish ledger report she needs a couple more lines of Adderall to finish tonight, or cake, or farts.
As she stops, a kind-hearted man (I could tell the nature of his heart by looking at him, that’s what happens when you’re a professional Arbiter of Souls) gets halted right behind her. Dude is just trying to get home to his kids. It’s been a long day, he’s got a long walk, and with him working all the time the kids are overdue for some kind-hearted blows to the head. He tries to get Mayo’s attention so he can squeeze by on her right as opposed to taking the long way around some other clueless bros, but she is not having ANY of this situational awareness bullshit. He tries for four seconds but she is still staring DIRECTLY UP INTO THE SKY. (hoping for an Adderall monsoon)
Once this man figures out that she would be a terrible ninja, he gives up appealing to her perception and goes the long way. As he does this, Mayo slops (heh now the name is affecting the verb) a step into his path. Almost colliding with her again, he offers her a smile and a mumbled apology (unless he called her the c-word [child-molester], I can’t read lips) and this time she notices him. How could she not? He’s in Mayo’s PERSONAL SPACE.
As he attempts to glide by her and retain his dignity (which is tough, because he’s in Mayo’s aura and she clearly hates black people and is farting,) she makes a face.
It looked like this:
(she’s making a thumbs up because it’s habitual for me so lay off)
She makes this face to some other people, like “can you believe that dude? He almost brushed against me.” She, who sat like a rock covered in mayo in this guy’s path. She, who is already jerking to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk like an epileptic powerwalker. She, who at the top of this interaction was already STANDING IN A BUSY ROAD FOR PEOPLE USING THEIR LEGS WHICH IS JUST AS STUPID AS STANDING IN A BUSY ROAD FOR CARS USING THEIR WHEELS OR A BUSY LASER-TUNNEL FOR LASERS LASERING THEIR LASER BEAMS
So I killed her with a sword. She could barely even fart before her body sloshed to the earth. Don’t stop on the sidewalk without looking around.
la la LA this is how deep the bitterness barrel goes xoxo yall~